Late arrivals at the Accountants' Awards dinner

I’m been a judge and attended many Accountancy awards. The dinners and award parties are often spoiled by latecomers. Love their names (inspired by the radio show, 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue'

• Mr and Mrs Lentry, and their daughter Deb 
• Mr and Mrs Itor, and their daughter Aud 
• The Preciation family and their dipsomaniac daughter Dee, whose balance is always reducing and who never seems to go in a straight line... 
• The twin Entrybookkeeping brothers - it's double Entrybookkeeping 
• Mrs Ternalaudit and her son Ian (her divorced husband, couldn't make it. He's her Ex) 
• Mr and Mr Trolacount and their son Con. 
• From Germany, Mr & Mrs Inkind and their son Benny Fitz
• Mr and Mrs Quidasset and their son Lee 
• All the way from Bermuda, Mr and Mrs Haven and their son Tex 
• Mr and Mrs Payedtax and their adopted Korean son Un 
• Mr and Mrs Taxation preferred not to be announced as late. They asked if their arrival could be described as 'deferred'. 
• Finally, please welcome Mr and Mrs Prophet with their daughter Annette, and their tall son nicknamed Grows. 

10 alternative Job Titles for Accountants

1. Anxiety Transfer Expert – because your panic is our spreadsheet
2. Business Continuity Practitioner – making sure your cash flow doesn’t flatline
3. Numbers Facilitator – like a counsellor, but with pivot tables
4. Finance Doctor – diagnosis: terminally overdrawn
5. Money Multiplier – no rabbits, just receipts
6. MANIAC (Money And Numbers Inspector And Counter) – the acronym that audits itself
7. Cash Whisperer – fluent in the secret language of HMRC and petty cash
8. Revenue Therapist – tell me where it hurts (and show me the P&L)
9. The Profit Prophet – we see margin in your future
10. Cash Flow Curator – we don’t create liquidity, we just make it look nice

Credits: MANIAC devised by Adrian Markey, Finance Doctor inspired by Mark Allen, Business continuity practitioner by Kris McCulloch and Money multiplier by Michelle Eshkeri

The Plumber & the Self-Assessment Saga

Plumber: “Right, be honest — how bad is it if I’ve not done any bookkeeping since last April?”

Accountant: “Bad. But fixable. Like a leaky tap.”

Plumber: “What if it’s a full-blown burst pipe situation?”

Accountant: “Then I charge emergency call-out rates. Only joking. Mostly.”

Plumber: “Fair. I’ve clogged up the admin. Time to flush it out.”

Tell me you're an accountant without telling me you're an accountant…

• I can’t relax in a café if I can see the till is open too long.

• My friends think “a quick tax question” is an acceptable start to any conversation.

• I once said “that’s disallowable” out loud during a family dinner.

• I judge people for how they organise their receipts. Or don’t.

• My partner gets nervous whenever I say “Can I just ask… what was this for?”

• I've explained what dividends are at least 47 times this year.

• I’ve laughed out loud at accounting memes. Then corrected them.

• I automatically say yes please for a receipt regardless of the transaction 

• Whenever a friend buys me a drink or lunch they sit in my head as creditors as I owe them one back! 

• I can’t cope if my laptop doesn’t have a separate number pad 

•  When I'm out with self employed friends they always ask me if they can claim it as an expense.

• I keep receipts for things I didn’t even pay for, just out of habit.

 

Why is accountancy like Wimbledon?

• Some clients treat tax returns like Wimbledon — show up once a year and expect applause.If an accountant played tennis, they'd challenge every point. With supporting documentation. 
• Tennis has unforced errors. So do self-assessment submissions in January. 
• They say accountants are like tennis players — Always trying to serve clients better. 
• Accountants are like line judges at Wimbledon — always watching the margins.
• Tennis has net play. Accountants have net pay. 
• In tennis, losing players still get applause. In accountancy, they get investigated.
• Most people hear “love 40” and think tennis. Accountants hear it and think “my work-life balance.”

How to describe a glass that's half full/empty

To the pessimist, it is 1/2 empty

To the optimist, it’s 1/2 full

To Excel, it is 1st February. (Jan 2nd in the US)

To an AI chatbot, there isn't enough data to describe that

To a recruiter, it's not enough - as you deserve a glass that’s always full

To an accountant, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be 

A dozen ways to maximise the tax you pay (a parody)

 

1. Find the cheapest accountant you can. Bonus points if they're your cousin’s mate.

2. Give them your books at the last minute – ideally in a carrier bag.

3. Don’t involve your accountant in major decisions – just let them “sort it out later.”

4. Draw as much as you like from your limited company bank account – it’s your money, right?

5. Pay your taxes late and file your returns late – HMRC love a bit of extra interest.

6. Always listen to your mate Dave down the pub. His situation sounds exactly like yours.

7. Ignore all reminders from HMRC – they’ll get back to you if it’s urgent.

8. Treat your accountant like a form-filler, not a business adviser – why waste their brainpower?

9. Leave your VAT registration until you've already blown through the threshold.

10. Keep poor records – better still, don’t keep any at all.

11. Assume that if you paid tax last year, you’ll owe the same this year – why check?

12. And finally, always argue about your accountant’s fees. Because saving a few hundred pounds there is far more important than the thousands you might save in tax.

Inspired by a post by Anthony Scrase on Facebook